Author: catstark

Yes, a weapon can give us a sense of authority. Probably not a good thing, but not changing it.

From Protector of the Grey House:

Natalia’s hand went behind her back to caress the sword. Even sheathed she could feel its eagerness. She trembled to use it. The sword was her absolute authority; her absolute power. Every vampire it touched would die. She smiled a seductive smile over the crowd at her lover. The look he gave her back showed his trust, his pride, his respect and his love. She quivered at the look, desiring his touch. First, the battle. She grasped the buckle of the sheath, releasing it as she gripped the hilt of her sword. The sheath fell from her body as she swung the sword over her shoulder. Natalia brought the sword in front of her, the hilt now in both hands. She allowed the blade to half hide her face then swiveled it slightly, making the edge run down the center of her face. She took a deep breath and bellowed for the Captain.

All in all, the pandemic hasn’t been that hard on me. I’ve been working from home since March because my company believes in keeping us safe. My finance is a tech guy and was able to set me up well to work from home. He’s mostly worked from home as well. We both have jobs that are work-from-home-able. I have not lacked in food, or shelter.

Emotionally, I have been wrecked. Most of that started on Thanksgiving, but I’ll get to that. I am not sleeping well, but that may be due to pandemic or peri-menopause, because of course that decided to start this year. I have insomnia most nights. Seven hours of sleep is bliss, but I usually get 6 or less. Some nights, often several in a row, I get less than 4. Makes the MS fatigue and other symptoms, act up. Joy. And no, coffee at this level of lack of sleep and fatigue does not help. (It is lovely though and I still drink it.)

I am an ambivert. I like my time alone and I like being around my people. I fucking miss my people. I have seen some of my important people, but not enough of them, in any sense of that phrase. It hurts. It aches. When I am able to see my people, I don’t know what to do. I ran into a friend at the grocery store. I felt like screaming. I wanted to do so much more than say five words to her. We are both in need of talking. At least we know we have each other. Doesn’t stop the ache.

And now for the real reason I started writing this today.

On Thanksgiving Day, my sister let me know that though she thought covid was real, she didn’t need to wear a mask. She said a lot of other things, but what it came down to is: she is a covid denier. She, her husband, and their children don’t wear masks if not required.

She said all this to me while on a video call with me, in front of our 74-year-old, frail mother.

A few years ago, her husband pointed something out about my mom. He thinks she would not survive a bad illness. My mom is underweight. Since his declaration, she has not gained any significant weight. She is 4’11” and 68 pounds, at last weigh in. She’s always been tiny, but even she admits she is too thin. How did she get this way? She just doesn’t eat much. It has never been about “can’t afford to” or anything like that. She just doesn’t eat much.

So here we are, during a pandemic, and my mom is living in Arizona, near my sister, who has a lot of issues.

For Christmas and Thanksgiving each year. My mom is either with me, or my sister. So if she is with my sister for Thanksgiving she comes to me for Christmas. We switch off every year. This year, my mom was supposed to come here (Illinois) for Christmas. I did not want this as I did not want my mom traveling during the pandemic. Because, well, NO. My sister was adamant that my mom should absolutely not cancel her plans and come here anyway, because she and her family have traveled on planes twice during the pandemic and they were fine…

My mom’s doctor said it’s not a good idea. I am still thanking her in my heart.

One of the reasons my sister wanted my mom to come here is because unbeknownst to myself or my mom, my sister and her family booked a vacation in Flagstaff for three days on Christmas. Fine, good, great. Have a blast. But don’t use that as an excuse as to why mom should still travel. And then, I don’t know, maybe include your own mother when she is told it isn’t safe to get on an airplane? (They drove to Flagstaff.)

My sister refused to include my mom in her Christmas plans. As I write this, my mom is in her condo in Mesa, AZ and my sister and the family are in Flagstaff.

I didn’t voice my opinion to my sister on any of this, as I didn’t want to guilt her into anything and have her resent me. (No, we don’t have a good relationship and mom has always been great at guilt tripping.)

There are a lot of reasons I think my sister decided not to take my mom with. I am not writing them all out as I really don’t know what the reason is. The end result is: my mom was left alone and when a neighbor invited her to listen to a Christmas choir, she went.

My 74-year old mother went to a church gathering on Christmas Eve, during a pandemic, in an auditorium. Some people were wearing masks, but not all. (Talked to my mom on Christmas and she told me all this.) She enjoyed herself. She moved to Arizona in July and is having a hard time making friends because… pandemic. The church choir gathering was in an auditorium, as stated, and there was space between people. So that’s good but it still concerns me. Then, on Christmas, she went to her neighbor’s daughter’s house for dinner. My mom said there would be 18 people. 18 people…

Fuck.

I want to cry about this. I want to tell my sister and my mom my fears, but my sister has already proven to me that she won’t listen. When I told her I don’t do much, as I have MS, she sent a screenshot (we were texting) of the MS website and which MS patients should be most worried about the pandemic. Like I didn’t have a right to worry and be careful, JUST FOR THE SAKE OF NOT WANTING TO HAVE THIS ILLNESS.

Some of the covid symptoms mirror some of my MS issues. Due to MS I have fatigue, muscle and body aches, I have had a loss of taste and smell (very mild in comparison to covid symptoms), some confusion (enough that it’s tough to work) and the inability to wake or stay awake.

I have talked to friends who had covid. Their loss of taste is far more prevalent than mine ever has been. Still sucks.

There is about 1 day a month where I instantly fall asleep each time I hit snooze. If I take the day off on those days (if a workday) I go back to sleep and don’t wake up for hours. When I initially saw all those symptoms, I thought, ‘fuck that’ and knew I was doing the right thing by staying home and avoiding people.

If you’re curious:

I have fatigue and muscle and body aches on a regular basis. I also have confusion to the point of not being able to work on a monthly basis and I am often not sure if something smells bad because it has gone bad or if my MS is fucking with me. The loss of taste is almost monthly as well.

Since I’m babbling: I have lost someone to covid. He was a former co-worker. He was sweet and funny and lovable. He was also 35 years old.

And: I gave a friend a gift card to Walmart (I hate that place, he does to, but it’s where he shops for groceries and the other place doesn’t have gift cards.) He immediately went out, bought groceries and sent me a picture…. Immediately went out and got groceries. If you don’t understand what that means, then congratulations, you’ve never been poor and hungry.

I think that’s it. If you’ve read this far, thank you. I needed to get all that out. I really hope the pandemic ends soon so that we can return to a more ‘normal’ state. I don’t want to go back to the normal from before the pandemic, as too much has happened, but I would like us to find a ‘new normal’. Good luck, happy holidays and stay safe my friends.

From Protector of the Grey House:

Last night’s encounter had left him wanting. She controlled him well, reminding him of Lorraine’s abilities, but when she relinquished control, he had to remind himself that he could not do to her what he could do to his sire. Natalia was human and much too fragile to take the brunt of the more animal aspects of his nature. He held back, containing his primeval appetites, reassuring himself with the knowledge that he could have her whenever he needed her. Last night, it had been enough. Tonight, it barely pacified his hunger, skimming just the barest need off a mountain of want. He would have to do something about this soon, or risk killing and changing Natalia against her will. An image of her bathed in her own blood flowed into his consciousness and overtook his mind.

I wrote this short story a few years ago. It’s based on true events. One day, I will share the details of what actually happened. For the moment, please enjoy the short story and have a safe and Merry Christmas. If you don’t celebrate, please be safe.

A Snowflake for Mia

Mom was driving Mia to school one day. They were alone in the van. It was close to Christmas, and Mia had doubts that Santa was real. Her older brother and sister didn’t say too much about it, but Mia was starting to wonder. Mom hoped Mia would hold on to the belief for one more year. It had been a tough one. Dad lost his job and Mom was having a hard time getting a full time job. They were making things work, but Mia always seemed to take things to heart.

At a stoplight, Mom turned to Mia. “So did you write a letter to Santa this year?”

Mia shrugged. “Maybe.”

“I can mail it for you.”

Mia turned to look her mother in the eyes. “If I wrote one, you have to promise not to read it. It’s for Santa only.”

Mom smiled, but frowned at the same time. “Of course, Mia. It’s private. I know that.”

Mia sighed as Mom turned back to the road. Mia dug out the letter from her backpack, but held onto it until they were stopped in front of the school. She turned to her mom and let her take the plain white envelope. It was sealed and addressed to Santa Claus, North Pole. She had even put her name and address in the top left corner and a stamp in the right top corner. Mom looked to Mia as she unbuckled her seat belt.

“Don’t tell Maddy and Jordan that I wrote to Santa.”

“I won’t, sweetie.”

Mia gave her mom a quick hug and hurried out of the van. Mom watched Mia join her friends in the schoolyard and left. Mom placed the letter in her laptop bag and headed off to work. She was glad that Mia still believed in Santa, but unfortunately, Mia had been acting up in school and at home. She might be on the naughty list this year. Mom knew though sometimes children on the naughty list were still given gifts. No one deserved a bad Christmas.

She arrived at work, but with too many things on her mind, didn’t notice that the letter was sticking too far out of her bag. She picked everything up, closed the car door and headed inside. The wind picked up before she reached the door and pulled the letter out of her bag. It carried the letter high up into the clouds, where it joined many other letters addressed to Santa Claus, North Pole.

The letters to Santa were taken away, far, far, away, to a mailbox outside a cozy cottage at the North Pole. They settled into the box, which was soon opened by an elf. He was an old elf, and had helped Santa with the mail for generations. He hoped to be helping for a long time to come.

A happy smile on his face, he carried the latest letters to Santa and placed them on the grand wooden desk. In the fireplace, the fire crackled and sent warmth throughout the room. It lit the room up as well, but there was a candle on the desk, for more light. The elf nodded to Santa and went on his way. There were more letters, always more letters.

Santa looked down at the pile of letters in front of him. He sifted through them, separating them into ‘naughty’ and ‘nice’ by name. He knew the very bad ones, and he knew the very good ones. He knew the ones that were trying to be good, but were having problems due to reasons they couldn’t help. It wasn’t easy being good, and Santa understood that.

When he found Mia’s letter, he paused. She had been trying so hard to be good, but things were tough. He sighed but smiled. He adjusted his glasses on his nose and opened her letter with a silver letter opener. It had a candy cane handle. The envelope parted easily and he carefully took out the letter. He read it twice. He read it a third time as he composed a response in his head. He didn’t always respond, but this one, this one needed a response.

My Dearest Mia,

Life is not always easy, even for children. I know that you have been trying to be good this year, and I know what has made it so hard. You are an amazing young girl. Thank you for asking for your family to be ok. Thank you for thinking of others before yourself. I know that you will always be a wonderful person.

Because of your generosity, I am sending you a special snowflake. It is from the North Pole and will never melt. It will shine brightly like a star, but only if you truly believe. Be good, Mia and always keep love in your heart.

Santa Claus

Once the letter was written, he placed it in an envelope and sealed it. He addressed it to Mia and placed it to the side. He called for his elves. Three came to help. Santa and his elves went to the factory and found the perfect round glass ornament. Then they dressed warmly and took the ornament outside. One of the elves took off the silver cap and handed the round ornament to Santa Claus. Santa Claus, love in his heart, looked up at the clear skies and spoke out loud.

“Now, I know it’s not supposed to snow tonight, but Mia needs a little magic in her life, right now. All I need is one snowflake.”

From the dark skies a star blinked. It continued to blink and seemed to fall at the same time. It did not grow as it came closer, but stayed small and bright. Santa caught it in the ornament, took the cap from the elf and closed it. The four went back inside, placed a bow on the cap and found a good box for the gift. They packaged it up, and one of the elves ran for the letter.

Letter and box in hand, Santa took the gift outside again and raised his hands. He whispered Mia’s name and address and the wind picked up. The gift left his hands as he laughed.

“Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas Mia!”

As his laughter echoed in the cold North Pole, the wind took the gift to its new home.

Many, many miles away, in another cold place called the Midwest, the gift landed on Mia’s front door. The wind, urged on by Christmas magic, rang the doorbell.

Inside the house, little feet ran to the door. Mia, expecting a friend, opened the door and looked around. No one was there, but there was a box on the step. It had her name on it. She frowned and picked it up. The return address said Santa.

“Mom! Come look!”

Mom came into the hallway as Mia was closing the door. She saw the package in Mia’s hands and frowned. “What is it?”

Mia looked to her mom in happy confusion. “It’s from Santa. Can I open it?”

Mom came to look at the package. It did in fact say Santa Claus North Pole. She felt guilty though, as she never mailed the letter. She was sure she had lost it. “Sure, honey. You can open it. Let’s go into the living room.”

Mom wasn’t sure if it was from Santa, but she didn’t want to break Mia’s happiness. They went into the living room and Mia settled on the floor in front of the coffee table. She carefully opened the envelope, read the letter and gasped. She then quickly opened the packaged and gasped again as she saw the glowing snowflake in the glass ornament. It shimmered in the glass as if alive. She took it out of the box. It wasn’t warm, but it was as bright as a star, and it wasn’t melting.

“Mom?” She looked at her mom. “Is this really from Santa?”

Mom looked to the glass ornament in awe. Like the letter said, she couldn’t see the light, but it was still a snowflake in an ornament and it was not melting. “Of course, honey. Who else could it be from?”

Mia smiled at the ornament as love filled her heart for Santa, and for her family. She placed the ornament on the tree and knew she would try and be a better person. Like the letter said, it was hard being a kid, but she would do what she could to help her family.

From the Christmas tree, the snowflake gave off more light, as if it agreed with her thoughts. It made her smile again as she turned to give her mom a great big hug.

“Merry Christmas, Mommy.”

“Merry Christmas, Mia.”

Merry Christmas Eve! No matter your faith (or lack of) I hope the end of this year bring some respite. It’s been a tough one.

From Protector of the Grey House:

Natalia watched through binoculars from across the street as yet another Slayer walked nonchalantly into the corner café. She sighed and hung her head, wondering how many she would have to kill to get out. She was currently on the roof of the apartment building kitty corner to the arranged meeting place. She told Ashley that she needed to get her some information. She had asked the girl not to bring anyone else. Ashley, or someone she knew, decided to disobey her wishes. Natalia sighed again and slung her backpack across her shoulders. She left the roof the way she came, by the back wooden steps that at one point had been a fire escape.

It took her two months to decide whom to tell about the demons Edwin summoned. It took three months to convince Ashley to meet her, and another month to plot the best place to meet. Natalia had been spying on the place for the past two weeks, finding as many ways out as possible. There were two conventional ways: front entrance and back kitchen door. The two walls facing the street were beautiful picture windows. She was pretty sure the windows were regular glass and could be busted with a diner chair or Slayer if necessary. She also noticed who were regulars and who were not. Half of the people frequenting the small café today were not regulars. She was ready for the battle she hoped she wouldn’t have to fight.

I don’t even know if I like that she says this anymore. I’m not sure she would. I’m going to have to think about this pretty hard. This might be changed by the time I get this fucker published.

From Protector of the Grey House:

“Vincent!” Lorraine’s voice revealed a depth of anger he had not heard before.

He sighed but turned to his sire. “My liege?”

“Next time you present this woman to me, make sure she’s vampire, or I’ll take care of the situation myself.”

There were murmurs in the room as the implication set in. Vincent bowed to his sire with grace and dignity, giving her a loving smile. “Thank you, my sire. I’ll remember your words.” He turned to the room at large. “We’ll meet tomorrow to discuss business in my offices in San Francisco, two hours after sunset. Those of you who don’t know where my offices are, find out. If you’re late, your blood will feed the others. That is all for the evening. Joseph, see to my guests.”

Protector of the Grey House:

A thought tried to assert itself into his mind, but she was kissing and nibbling his chest, making thoughts impossible. “Yes.” His hands found her silky hair. “If you think we can do this, yes, we’re done.” He growled, showing her his fangs. “Have you been fed off of lately?”

She smiled, as they both knew the answer. Natalia gave him an innocent smile, knowing he wouldn’t take her blood until she told him he could. A feeling of power overcame her, and she wondered just how far she could push him.

Vincent saw her expression change from one of innocence to one of dominance and understood her mood. He knew he could easily take control from her, but instead he relinquished control, letting her lead him however she pleased. She led him to the bedroom, teasing him all the way to the bed. She eventually allowed him his blood, but not after much pleasing and much begging.

From Protector of the Grey House:

Edwin yelled the three short lines of Latin he knew and watched as two pillars of smoke formed into hideous beasts in front of him. Christopher taught him the lines when he had placed him in charge, telling the younger vampire never to utter the words unless absolutely necessary. The demons the words called forth were unpredictable at best and would only perform one task for their temporary master before running off.

Edwin stared at the horrors that stood before him, pointed to one then to Vincent. “Kill him.” He pointed at the second then at Natalia. “Kill her.”

From Protector of the Grey House:

Vincent was staring out the window of his study, trying to peer into the darkness beyond the limits of his sight. Natalia was gone. She had been missing for three days now, and he was worried. His men were starting to notice, as he was yelling more; getting short even with the delicate humans who ran his house.

Two years ago, after she killed Dean, she started hunting for confirmation of the information he gave her. In order to get any information, she came into contact with more and more Slayers. Consequently, she was fighting them and coming home with bruises. She was also coming home with names, locations and sometimes, items that would otherwise be used against him and his people. He didn’t want to tell her to stop, since she was protecting his house, but she was getting herself into more and more dangerous situations.

From Protector of the Grey House:

Vincent pushed himself away from the post and slowly came to her side. He sat on the bed and touched her cheek softly with his fingertips. She closed her eyes and leaned her head into his hand, kissing his palm. His emotions broke wide open when he realized what he wasn’t seeing in her expression. There was no fear, no hate. She honestly believed she was in the wrong and that he had done right to punish her. He also realized that had it been anyone else, he would have no doubts about his actions. Vincent let go of the guilt, leaned in and kissed Natalia softly.

When he pulled back, she was breathing hard, clutching at his shirt. “Make love to me.”

“You’re in no condition.” He started unbuttoning his shirt, wanting to feel her fire against his skin.

“Then why are you undressing?” She pulled him to her by his shirt, kissing his neck and exposed chest.