I’m radioactive

Disclaimer: This is a rant. I’m venting. Take it as you will.

I’m radioactive.

Well, not really, but I feel as if I am. Why? I’m 38, a widow and I have MS.

I had a husband for 19 years that helped me in a lot of ways, and not just with the MS. I was diagnosed while we were together, and he was already sick, so that may be why he was able to take it all in stride. Or maybe he was just a great guy that would love me no matter what.

And he did.

So now, I’m a widow at 38. Why is that a problem? Well, like the song says, I’ve got too much life to live, too much love to give. I don’t doubt that I’ll end up in a relationship again, but tonight, I realized how difficult it would be for someone to love me. Or someone to decide I’m worth it.

I have a crush on this guy. It’s a guy that I met after my husband died, so it’s new and it’s hurting me a lot. I look at this guy and I think, “How the hell could he, or anyone else, decide I’m worth it?”

I know I have a lot to offer. I had one great man, I have a ton of friends. I’m not trying to be down on myself or be too conceited. I do like myself. I just recognize the fact that I have a lot of baggage.

Being 38 may not be an issue. It may be with the new crush, or any future crush, as he is younger. Much younger. We’ll leave that alone for the moment, as I don’t even know if that’s going anywhere other than a lesson for my heart.

I have MS. If you don’t know what that entails, look it up. On the MS Society page here: http://www.nationalmssociety.org/index.aspx Very informative.

So if/when I end up in a relationship, they’ll have that to deal with. If that wasn’t enough, there’s the fact that I’m a widow.

Any future relationship, friend or otherwise, will have to contend with the ghost of one of the most intriguing human beings I have ever met. I would never ask anyone to compete with a ghost, but it’s going to happen anyway. That’s just what happens. He was cool. I want people to know that. It would not be a comparison, not intentionally, but what if the future someone took it that way?

It’s just going to take a hell of a guy to decide I’m worth it. Someone like my late husband Jason. And I really don’t know if there is another one like him out there.

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