Tag Archives: MS

Static (Electricity)

via Daily Prompt: Static

This is my first Daily Prompt. I figured it might get me writing more. These might end up being stream of consciousness, or boring or whatever. I’m trying and that’s all I care about.

I live in the Midwest where we have very cold winters, snow and more cold and more snow. Ugh. Don’t get me wrong, when the snowflakes are big and fat, covering everything in pristine shimmering white, it’s gorgeous. But then there’s the shoveling, the shivering and all the rest of it. I hate winter.

Take the added fun of static electricity and I’m a recipe for disaster. Almost every time I touch someone during the winter, even after not moving much, I shock them. I’ve jokingly said I have an “electric personality” during the winter due to the amount of times I’ve shocked someone. It’s not pleasant, for them or me.

It turns out, I drag my foot when I walk. Bad idea during the winter, as the air is drier and it can cause static electricity, especially when walking across carpet. This winter, after my fiance stated I needed to ground myself before touching him, I knew I had to change something. Even when we use a humidifier, I still end up shocking him.

I realized I had two options: stop dragging my foot or don’t wear socks.

My feet get cold. Even during the summer. Not wearing socks is not an option. So, I’ve stopped dragging my foot. I don’t know why I drag my foot; it may be a lifelong habit, or it might be due to MS. Foot dragging is a symptom of MS, and the foot I drag is the left one. My left side is affected by MS more than my right. So it could be MS. But I’m not really sure.

I had to Google how to walk properly to find out what I was doing wrong. A part of me wanted to feel embarrassed for doing so, but I’ve obviously forgotten if I’m dragging my foot. Changing a habit like that is going to take some time, but I hope that it benefits me in other ways, too. Maybe walking the right way will help strengthen muscles. I have no idea, but at the very least, I’ll stop being full of static electricity. I hope.

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Time heals all wounds, but do we want it to?

Twenty years ago, I came to Rockford, IL from San Francisco, CA. I never thought I would be here this long. It was supposed to be a stop along the way.

Some stops are longer than others.

In my time here, I have met some great people, and spent most of those 20 years with jason ssg, my husband.

In those 20 years, I have also earned my B.A. in English, been diagnosed with MS and lost my husband of 19 years 2 months to kidney failure.

Either today or yesterday, I was thinking about the fact that I’d been here 20 years. I think, ‘Wow, it’s been 20 years’ and wonder not where the time went, but wonder when or if I will leave the area.

I lost my husband in May of this year, and often think, ‘Wow, it’s been 5 months’ and, ‘Wow, it’s only been 5 months’.

Time is odd.

It heals all wounds, but it heals all wounds. Sometimes, we don’t think we want our wounds healed.

20 years from now, I’ll still miss my husband, but I know, having already lost my dad, that sooner than I think, I won’t miss him everyday, and I won’t wish he were here everyday, sometimes every minute.

Time is a tricky little bitch, and I hate her.

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Day 5 June 5, 2009

I’ve been so groggy; I didn’t even feel like writing until now. It’s 9:45am and I am hooked up to my last dose of Campath. Andy stuck me once and everything went fine.

I am exceedingly groggy due to the sleep meds from last night. Took it at 9pm. The nurses were adamant about making sure I did not take the meds until I was actually in bed, ready to sleep. So I got ready for bed, took the pill and got ready to sleep. Then my phone rings. Jason had a show last night, and was wondering if there was a speaker in the van, as he seemed to have lost one. Not sure if he found it, but I know it wasn’t in my van. Weird that a large speaker can disappear like that. Hopefully he found it.

After the phone call, I fell asleep, and didn’t wake until right before my alarm went off at 7am. Didn’t want to get up though. I felt like I could still sleep. Took a long time for me to get up. Went to breakfast, barely coherent, and noticed no yummy Indian food. L

I had scrambled eggs with Tabasco sauce (a little bit only) and potatoes. Nice and filling, but nothing spectacular. Still feeling half asleep, I wandered back to my room, slowly got ready and came here. I am still not sure I’m fully awake. Struggling a bit with mental facility. I will be napping.

I napped the whole time I was at the clinic. Andy stuck me once, they hooked me up to the IV, turned off the lights and I was out. The time went quick, due to sleeping, and before I knew it, I was done. Done, with my first year of meds.

It was anti-climactic.

Cathy came in around four and we talked about expectations and schedules. We will be talking every 2 weeks, and every four weeks I will be getting blood drawn. Luckily, there is a group that can come to Rockford and draw my blood from my home. Every three months, I’ll actually have to drive down to Northbrook for blood tests, but that’s not that bad.

Cathy gave me a list of my visits for the next five years. All listed out to the year 2013. When looking at the dates all written out, it makes me feel pretty good, because it shows that the drug company and the doctors and nurses in charge of this study want only to take care of the patients who have volunteered to test out this drug. I am very glad this is happening.

I’m in my motel room now, thinking on the past few days, wondering what the next few years are going to bring for me. I hope greatly that this treatment works for me as well as it has other MS patients.

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I’m radioactive

Disclaimer: This is a rant. I’m venting. Take it as you will.

I’m radioactive.

Well, not really, but I feel as if I am. Why? I’m 38, a widow and I have MS.

I had a husband for 19 years that helped me in a lot of ways, and not just with the MS. I was diagnosed while we were together, and he was already sick, so that may be why he was able to take it all in stride. Or maybe he was just a great guy that would love me no matter what.

And he did.

So now, I’m a widow at 38. Why is that a problem? Well, like the song says, I’ve got too much life to live, too much love to give. I don’t doubt that I’ll end up in a relationship again, but tonight, I realized how difficult it would be for someone to love me. Or someone to decide I’m worth it.

I have a crush on this guy. It’s a guy that I met after my husband died, so it’s new and it’s hurting me a lot. I look at this guy and I think, “How the hell could he, or anyone else, decide I’m worth it?”

I know I have a lot to offer. I had one great man, I have a ton of friends. I’m not trying to be down on myself or be too conceited. I do like myself. I just recognize the fact that I have a lot of baggage.

Being 38 may not be an issue. It may be with the new crush, or any future crush, as he is younger. Much younger. We’ll leave that alone for the moment, as I don’t even know if that’s going anywhere other than a lesson for my heart.

I have MS. If you don’t know what that entails, look it up. On the MS Society page here: http://www.nationalmssociety.org/index.aspx Very informative.

So if/when I end up in a relationship, they’ll have that to deal with. If that wasn’t enough, there’s the fact that I’m a widow.

Any future relationship, friend or otherwise, will have to contend with the ghost of one of the most intriguing human beings I have ever met. I would never ask anyone to compete with a ghost, but it’s going to happen anyway. That’s just what happens. He was cool. I want people to know that. It would not be a comparison, not intentionally, but what if the future someone took it that way?

It’s just going to take a hell of a guy to decide I’m worth it. Someone like my late husband Jason. And I really don’t know if there is another one like him out there.

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