Tag Archives: Relationships

Life doesn’t always suck

This was originally written in early July 2017.

TL;DR: My friends are amazing. I am lucky to have them.

I’m home with MS issues today, but I have been feeling strong emotions lately and wanted to get this out there. While on my trip to AZ, I read an article by a fellow widow. It was based on the fact that Patton Oswalt, a widower, was getting a lot of negativity surrounding his recent engagement announcement. She was letting him and everyone else know that there is no time limit for grief/dating after losing a spouse. The article led me to a wonderful Facebook group (closed group) entitled Young, Widowed & Dating. I asked to join, answered some questions and not more than a day later, I was accepted into the group.

I have never felt more at home than when reading some of the posts these women and men share. I no longer felt as if I were alone. Because I did feel that way. The other widows I know are not dating and feel they never will again. To each their own, but I needed someone to talk to, someone who would understand. The people in the group understand and have written things I never felt I could say to my friends.

Here’s the other part of that: in reading their posts, I see that there are a lot of assholes out there, trying to date widows/widowers who just don’t fucking understand our pain. Who try to tell them how to act, how to feel. There are even some family members who refuse to allow the widow/widower to be happy in their new relationship, questioning how the grieving spouse could possibly still be grieving and missing their late spouse if they are now dating. Those posts were hard to read, but in reading them, I realized something again: my friends have never once questioned my desire to move forward.

You folks have always been there for me, and I cannot thank you enough. My life is filled with amazing people and I want to thank each and every one of you for being the wonderful, caring people that you are. Without you, I see that this world can be a very cold, hard place.

Thank you for being there. Thank you for being my friends.

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Filed under Non Fiction

Chapter One: part one

Eloran stared at his horse’s hoof and cursed himself silently for not bringing tools to replace the lost horseshoe. He sighed heavily, ignoring the scent that threatened to calm him. There was too much to think about.

Taren, where his brother lived, was more than ten miles away. He could not expect his steed to carry him that far with one missing shoe over cobblestone roads. He sighed and continued to stare at the hoof, willing the shoe to reappear.

“Good afternoon.” A gentle voice spoke from behind him.

Eloran quickly straightened and turned toward the voice. There was a light gray horse a few feet away. The rider wore a gray cloak that matched the steed well. Her hood was up, hiding the color of her hair, but making her stunning blue eyes shine. He smiled and licked his lips, a sly glint in his eyes. She was rather beautiful.

“Hello.”

“Are you in need of assistance?”

He smiled wider. He liked her voice. It was soft, pleasant and promised kindness. “I am. My horse lost a shoe, and Taren is miles away. Do you happen to have a kit with you?”

She gave him a quizzical look. “I don’t usually carry one with me. Do you?”

“I…usually travel with more people. Someone always has a kit and extra shoes, in case of emergencies.” When the odd look did not leave her face, he gave an embarrassed smile. “Our blacksmith makes extra when we go on a long trip.”

She smiled and tried to keep the recognition off her face. “Ah. I see.” She looked him up and down then seemed to come to a decision. “There is a town closer than Taren.”

“There is?” He looked confused and happy at the same time.

“Yes, Gateway. Have you heard of it?”

An interested smile came to his full lips, bringing light to his hazel eyes. “I didn’t know we were close to Gateway. I’ve heard of it, but have never had the pleasure.”

She gave him a lovely smile. “Come with me. I’ll take you.”

He nodded, spellbound by her eyes.

She giggled when he did not move but continued to stare up at her. “You don’t have much on your horse, but you can move the saddlebags to my horse, then you can sit behind me. We’ll go slow, to allow your horse the time it needs.”

Eloran nodded. Of course he should move his things. He moved his light bag to her horse, as she moved her cloak to allow him access. He caught a glimpse of her light blue dress and closed his eyes to his thoughts. He shook his head to clear it and continued moving his saddlebag. Once it was moved, he grabbed the reins and frowned. Her hand appeared in front of him and he looked up.

“Give me the reins. Then you can mount behind me.”

A sly smile appeared on his face at the word mount. She was a beautiful woman, perhaps if he played his cards right, he would be in her bed tonight. He frowned as he handed her the reins.

“What is your name?”

She smiled. “Anan.” As he was traveling by himself and did not have any obvious indications of his title, she decided to pretend she didn’t know who he was. “And you are?”

“Eloran.”

He said it with confidence, and she wondered if he did or did not want her to know who he was. Though it was a common enough name, most knew the king’s youngest son carried the name. She smiled. “Beautiful name.”

The complement pleased him and made him stand taller. “Thank you.”

Anan smiled again and indicated the spot behind her. “Come Eloran. We should leave. It won’t take too long to travel to Gateway, but we need to go slow.”

He nodded and mounted on the back of her horse. He immediately slipped one arm around her waist and took his horse’s reins with the other. She allowed him to settle into a comfortable spot, then leaned against him. He sighed and tightened his arm around her. Anan did not comment, but signaled to her horse to walk.

Eloran sighed again and this time, allowed the scent of the forest, and of her hair, to brighten his mood. The forest smelled of pine and lilacs. Her hair smelled of roses. His arm tightened around her waist again and brought her a touch closer. Anan gave a small chuckled and leaned even further against him. She kept the horses moving, indicting to Eloran that they were not stopping, despite his desires.

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Filed under The Elven Prince

I’m radioactive

Disclaimer: This is a rant. I’m venting. Take it as you will.

I’m radioactive.

Well, not really, but I feel as if I am. Why? I’m 38, a widow and I have MS.

I had a husband for 19 years that helped me in a lot of ways, and not just with the MS. I was diagnosed while we were together, and he was already sick, so that may be why he was able to take it all in stride. Or maybe he was just a great guy that would love me no matter what.

And he did.

So now, I’m a widow at 38. Why is that a problem? Well, like the song says, I’ve got too much life to live, too much love to give. I don’t doubt that I’ll end up in a relationship again, but tonight, I realized how difficult it would be for someone to love me. Or someone to decide I’m worth it.

I have a crush on this guy. It’s a guy that I met after my husband died, so it’s new and it’s hurting me a lot. I look at this guy and I think, “How the hell could he, or anyone else, decide I’m worth it?”

I know I have a lot to offer. I had one great man, I have a ton of friends. I’m not trying to be down on myself or be too conceited. I do like myself. I just recognize the fact that I have a lot of baggage.

Being 38 may not be an issue. It may be with the new crush, or any future crush, as he is younger. Much younger. We’ll leave that alone for the moment, as I don’t even know if that’s going anywhere other than a lesson for my heart.

I have MS. If you don’t know what that entails, look it up. On the MS Society page here: http://www.nationalmssociety.org/index.aspx Very informative.

So if/when I end up in a relationship, they’ll have that to deal with. If that wasn’t enough, there’s the fact that I’m a widow.

Any future relationship, friend or otherwise, will have to contend with the ghost of one of the most intriguing human beings I have ever met. I would never ask anyone to compete with a ghost, but it’s going to happen anyway. That’s just what happens. He was cool. I want people to know that. It would not be a comparison, not intentionally, but what if the future someone took it that way?

It’s just going to take a hell of a guy to decide I’m worth it. Someone like my late husband Jason. And I really don’t know if there is another one like him out there.

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Filed under Non Fiction