Author: catstark

I’ve decided to talk about my weight loss journey, as it might help someone understand themselves more. I know all bodies are different and every weight loss/gain story is different. I am not encouraging or discouraging anyone from doing what they think is right for their body, but sometimes, it’s nice to hear a success story that is less drastic than most. And I think it’s good for my own sake to write about it, as I’m really happy with what is going on.

As a kid I was not fat. My mom is French, and we learned portion control early on. Also, she cooked dinner for us every night, from scratch. We had processed foods and fast food on special occasions.

I graduated high school in 1993. It was a long time ago, but that’s where it starts for me. I was 5 foot, was on the tennis and swim team in my senior year and weighed 110 pounds. I was in great shape, and didn’t know it, due to low self-esteem.

I left home to come to college and on the way here, gained a few pounds. My parents drove me from San Francisco, to Rockford College in Rockford, IL. We stayed in hotels and motels and ate at restaurants for every meal, as that’s all there was. By the time I got to college, I was probably 115-120 pounds.

I stayed pretty stead in that range for most of my adult life. I got to be probably around 130 by the time I was diagnosed with MS in 2006. I stopped trying to exercise at that time, as it made me too tired. If you know anything about MS and exercises, I don’t want to hear it. I know it already.

Weight stayed steady until I started working at my current job in 2012. They cater lunch, and have a kitchen that is open all the time. And the food is free. Including soda, coffee, chips, cookies, ice cream, and lots and lots of candy, including Peanut M&Ms.

I ate too much once a week at lunch. I know this as I started gaining more weight, and my stomach hurt once a week from eating too much.

Then in 2013, my husband died. I filled the void he left with LEGOs, sex, and food. (All things considered, I could have filled the void with far worse things).

I gained more weight, despite finding out I had Graves Disease (hyperthyroid) which makes people lose weight, due to overactive thyroid.

I went on meds for that and continued to gain weight. I didn’t have a scale for a long time and only found out how much I weighed when I went to the doctor. I tried to ignore the steadily increasing numbers but just didn’t care. Though I started dating in late 2014, I wasn’t taking care of myself as I should have been. I kept eating too much. Peanut M&Ms are soooo easy to eat. They were not my only downfall, but they were my greatest weakness.

This continued until, in 2016, I went to visit my mom. She has a scale. I stepped on it and in horror, got off quickly when I realized it was settling in at 170. (Old scale, analog, not digital.) That’s when I knew I had to do something. I was uncomfortable in my skin and I found out I had high cholesterol. Not too high, but it didn’t need to get any higher. I tried eating less on and off, but didn’t really start anything real until September of 2019. By then, I had gotten down to 157 pounds.

I decided to download a calorie counter to see if that helped. Also, by July of 2019, I was taking off my hyperthyroid meds, as my numbers were nearly normal. My doctor felt they weren’t necessary anymore. I saw her in October and had already started losing weight. She was fine with the amount I was losing as it fit with normal weight loss and not uncontrolled hyperthyroid weight loss.

A few things to note:

1. I don’t drink soda. I hate most sodas and even the ones I like (Dr. Pepper, Orange Soda) I can’t drink more than a few sips before I’m done. The exception being A&W Cream Soda. Which I get vary occasionally. This meant I didn’t have any “easy” thing to remove from my diet.
2.  I like food and I’m not willing to cut anything out. Life is too short to eat foods I don’t like.
3. MS makes it impossible for me to starve myself. My symptoms flare if I get hungry and stay hungry for too long. And fuck that. Not going through that discomfort.

Once I downloaded the app, I realized how little I understood about food portions, but I did the best I could. I also cheated a lot. I didn’t always write down what I ate, as I didn’t want to know the calories. I knew the calories, as I would look them up, but didn’t write them down. What I did was keep it in mind for the end of the day and made sure I didn’t eat more than the allocated calories. Yes, I cheated badly. What it came down to, is the calorie counter helped me to be more aware of how much I was eating, and I therefore ate less. For me, it worked.

In January of 2020, I weighed 148 pounds. I had to know the number, as I was getting an MRI with contrast. I told the tech I lost weight and told him what I weighed. He told me that January of 2019, I was 162 pounds. That made me feel really good.

I continued the course, kept eating better and less (carefully). I was never hungry, because fuck that. Then the pandemic hit. And my job stated we would be working from home. And I stopped eating Peanut M&Ms on a regular basis. I had stopped eating them every day, but I was still consuming a lot of calories because of those yummy suckers.

Now, it’s not that I didn’t have sweets at home. I like to bake things. We often have more than one homemade dessert to eat. I just don’t over indulge.

As of this writing, I am 136 pounds. I’ve lost a good amount of weight. My goal is 130 pounds. I’m not that far away. I have added using my treadmill to my day, and hope that continues to help.

So far, for me, eating less and being more mindful of food intake has helped me a lot. I’m glad to be down to a weight that I’m more comfortable with and hope that I am able to continue eating with forethought, rather than stuffing yummy food into my mouth and overeating.

Almost forgot to mention, I am now 5 feet 1.5 inches, therefore I know it is impossible, impractical, and probably an unhealthy idea to get back down to 110. I’ll be satisfied with 120-130 pounds, but currently aiming for 130 pounds.

I like coming up with strange things people do to themselves in the name of religion.

From Inside the Grey House:

“The other Slayers had their tongues cut out. By the scars, it looks like they did it a long time ago. They can’t tell us anything. And our interrogation practice doesn’t lend itself to people writing out their answers to our questions.”

Natalia was taken aback. She read of the ritual tongue removal but thought it had faded with time. It was popular with a group of Slayers during colonial times; used to ensure no one could tell their secrets when accused of being witches. Stunned, Natalia opened her mouth to speak, but Vincent beat her to it.

“Enough. Go upstairs Natalia. I’ll join you shortly.” There was no emotion to his voice.

Natalia looked at Vincent’s inscrutable back, reading nothing from his posture. She nodded once to Mierka and left the dungeon, using Vincent’s pass code to exit. She walked proudly upstairs, wondering at her punishment.

Vincent, mostly, doesn’t give a fuck about other people’s protocols and does as he pleases.

From Inside the Grey House:

Not wanting to waste any time with cleaning up, he slipped on the clothing and hurried out of the room. If Lorraine were anywhere, she would be in her study. She always started out the night looking over complaints and potential problems. There was generally a group of people waiting to talk to her each night. As Vincent descended the stairs, he noticed three people sitting on the couch outside Lorraine’s study. Not bothering to acknowledge their presence, he strolled past them, barging into his sire’s study. One started to protest but was stopped by the slamming of the study door.

I’m going to take the opportunity to say that posting these snippets has helped me to find errors. The first sentence is a run-on. It will not be in final release. I am leaving it as is for this blog as an example. If you find an error in these snippets, feel free to tell me.

From Inside the Grey House:

Vincent turned when he heard an interrupted animal growl from behind, saw that Rebecca had the situation under control and turned back to Natalia. He waited until the two werewolves were out of the room and dismissed the incident in his mind. He knew Rebecca would brief him later. He turned back to Natalia, walked to her and stood over her unmoving body.

He turned to his people, all of whom were standing mute. Vincent did not take betrayal lightly, even when dealing with humans. “Though I wished to fight this human, I also wanted to punish her for killing Theodore. When she recovers, she will be fighting with us. She will be an asset to my house and family if she knows how to fight well skilled vampires. We are done for the night, you are released.”

While writing this book, I understood that the male lead was not a “good” guy. He plays by his own rules and has killed humans. Killing a human is not the worse thing he has done either. Therefore in order to have an antagonist that could clearly be an antagonist, I found what I thought was the most evil thing a human could do and made that the defining feature of the antagonist and his vampires. Edwin and his lot are not good, in any way. Natalia kills one of them (well, many of them) and thinks on her actions as she faces Vincent in a fight.

From Inside the Grey House:

Natalia stood tall, thinking on his words. He stated she could fight with his men. She won, but the win seemed bittersweet. When the fight was done, she would be paying for Theodore’s death. She should have known that Vincent would demand punishment for breaking the rules. She didn’t care. If she could restart the day and have a chance to leave Theodore alive, she wouldn’t take it. Theodore deserved to die, and Julia and Tina deserved peace. Natalia believed she had done the right thing and would take her punishment. They would end the fight, then she would take her punishment. Thinking Vincent weak from blood loss and feeling she could easily take down the vampire, Natalia attacked first, launching herself at him.

I could probably (and will probably) say this again and again: I love seduction scenes. A lot of what I write, comes out without thought. It flows from my brain to my fingertips, to appear on the page. I thought, when I decided to write about what I post, that I would have more to say. As most scenes come without me having to think to hard, I don’t have a lot to say about most. I still hope you enjoy what I share and always appreciate feedback.

From Inside the Grey House:

Natalia pulled away first, needing to catch her breath. Her face was flush. “Hello, lover.”

His eyes narrowed as his hunger broke through his attempt to stay calm. He growled at her as one hand went to the nape of her neck. His fingers caught her hair, bringing her head to the side. He continued the growl along her neck, tracing her vein with his lips. Her breath stopped as he bit her gently with his teeth. He had not exposed his fangs.

“You owe me blood, Natalia.” His voice whispered into her neck, traveling up her jaw line. He watched her reaction as he exposed his fangs to her.

“I do.” A low whisper. “When will you collect your payment?”

Charlie is one of my favorite characters. Not just from this book, but from all the books I’ve written. He’s just fun.

From Inside the Grey House:

“So where are you going tonight?”

Natalia looked up from the library desk and glared at Charlie, who was dressed in his usual: white t-shirt, jeans and work boots. He was standing nearby, looking restless and dangerous. “Out. Why are you asking?”

Charlie shrugged and Natalia groaned inwardly. She could almost read his mind. “Vincent thinks it might be better if I left the house tonight. Thought maybe I could go with you.”

She gave him another glare. “Why would I want to take an agitated werewolf with me on an information gathering mission?”

He moved quickly to the desk, kneeling on the other side from Natalia, grasping his hands together as if pleading to her. “I’m bored. I’m restless. I’ve got nothing to do here. If I don’t get out of here, I’m going to start fighting the vampires, and that’s just asking for too much trouble.”

I was having a rather had time finding anything to share from Inside the Grey House. Any word that popped up in my random word generator either didn’t have any matches, or had something I know I’ve shared recently, or had too many matches. Therefore, out of frustration, I am sharing a short story I wrote some time ago.

The Letter

The Letter

Scarlett sat on the edge of the pit, watching the remains of the demons burn. She didn’t know why that happened, but it did. And it only happened when a lot were killed at once. If she killed one demon, it did not burst into flames. Kill more than four in one area, and the bodies burned. And the pile had to be watched. Sometimes they rose from the ashes. Rejuvenation spell, Floyd told her once. Scarlett took a swig from her flask and handed it to Lincoln. He took it, smelled it and shook his head.

“This do anything for you?”

“No, but I like the taste.” She watched him glare at her for a moment, then eyed the flask. “Are you going to have any or what?”

He grunted, took a swig and handed it back. She smirked and drank some more. It was impossible for manmade items to kill them. The spell that brought them close to immortality also made it impossible to get drunk, stoned or in any way inebriated. For a period of time, she tried almost all drugs known to man, and some they didn’t know about. Being able to go to other worlds and dimensions had its advantages. It wasn’t only human made items and potions either. Nothing could kill them. They needed to live as long as they could. There weren’t many of them around any more.

They passed the flask back and forth in silence for a while watching the pit. It was a fairly large pit, about ten feet deep and twenty feet across. Killing large amounts of demons created craters, but Scarlett wasn’t sure why. A lot of things had never been explained to her. The ability to kill demons had been passed to her at a young age. The ability came with very little training.

Lincoln got up when they noticed movement towards the center of the pit. He stood, and his lanky form became even lankier as he grabbed his long sword. He walked nonchalantly toward the movement, watching that area the entire time. Scarlett watched the rest of the pit, to make sure no one would be able to blindside Lincoln. As the resurrected demon rose up, growling and snarling, Lincoln reached him and hacked him to bits. His motion was slow and easy. He had been at this longer than Scarlett. She wasn’t sure how long. He knew what to do to make the kill quick.

Once the demon was dead again, he turned and headed back to her. He set his sword down then sat down and took the flask when Scarlett handed it to him. They were silent for a moment longer then she capped the flask and put it away.

“Thanks.” Her voice was quiet.

He turned to her. “For what?”

“Answering my call. I wasn’t sure you would.”

He shrugged. “It was nothing.”

“Don’t. I know you’re mad at me. I know you could have ignored it, but you didn’t. You came anyway. Thank you. It means a lot.”

He shrugged. “Not mad enough at you to allow you to die.”

She took a deep breath. “Why are you mad at me?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Scarlett glared at him. “How are we supposed to clear the air if you don’t want to talk about it?”

He turned to look at her, his usually kind brown eyes were nearly glowing with anger. His mouth was set in a thin line. “Fine, but you know why I’m mad at you.”

She looked at him in shock. “No, I don’t.”

“Bull. I sent you a letter a few years back, detailing everything.”

Her eyes widened. “A letter?”

“Yeah, a letter. Best way to send something of a delicate matter.”

“Lincoln…” She sighed in annoyance, and tried to stay calm. “When did you send the letter?”

“Four years ago.”

“Four!” She yelled. Her voice echoed in the silence of the valley. She took a moment and calmed down. Lincoln let her. “Where did you send it?”

“To your mom’s place.”

It wasn’t her actual mom, but when she, or anyone like her, left their home world for extended periods of time, they designated someone their ‘mom’ who would keep their things and collect any messages.

She hung her head. “Fuck. Lincoln. Seven years ago, I went away. Remember that?”

“Yeah, off world for a while, to help other places.”

Demons existed in all dimensions, but did not look the same on all worlds. Demon was a loose term to describe any creature that wanted to destroy other living creatures, mostly for their own pleasure.

“I left all my stuff with my mom, sure. I was away longer than I thought I would be. When I came back, I had too much to do. I didn’t get a chance to get back to her right away. There was a fire at her place about three and a half years ago. Any messages sent there by paper were lost in the fire.”

He looked at her as if he didn’t believe her, but after a moment, his features softened. “Shit.”

“What did you say in the letter?”

He looked down at the ground in front of him. The wind that tousled his short brown hair brought the scent of cooking demon flesh. He looked to her again. “I didn’t… Did she survive?”

“She was a sleep when the fire started, but the firemen were able to get her out. She had a lot of smoke inhalation. She died three weeks later.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Thanks.”

She pulled out the flask and they each took a swig before she started again.

“So why are you mad at me?”

Lincoln gave a heavy sigh. “It’s nothing. The letter didn’t say why I was mad at you, I was mad at you because you didn’t respond to the letter. Now I know why, it’s ok. I’m not mad.”

She frowned at him as she brushed some stray hair out of her face. As the wind picked up, and blew more of her fire red hair in her face, she grumbled and redid her hair. It was hard to keep her long wavy hair controlled when she was fighting. She usually tied it in a bun, but it was coming free. Once it was in a ponytail, she turned back to Lincoln, who was looking at her with a slight smile.

“So are you going to tell me what was in the letter?”

He shook his head. “No, but now you can count on me any time you need. You call, I’ll come running.”

“Lincoln, will you please tell me what’s on your mind? I feel like there’s some tension between us and I don’t know why. We’ve known each other too long for this.”

He signed. “How long?”

“How long? Have we known each other?”

“Yeah. How long?”

Her eyes opened a little wider. “I’ve lost track.”

“I haven’t.” He said softly. “We met when you were a teenager and I looked about thirty. If you count in human years, I’m technically about 160. You’re about 145. We’ve known each other about 130 years.”

She looked at him in silence for a moment then nodded. “That’s a lot of years.”

“It is.” He watched as a strand of hair escaped her ponytail. He reached out and gently brushed the strand behind her ear. Scarlett drew back in surprise, a new idea in her mind.

“What did the letter say, Lincoln?”

He looked at her as he realized his small gesture might have been too revealing. Lincoln looked to the pit, almost hoping for movement. There was nothing to save him. He looked to Scarlett. “I told you what I felt about you.”

Her eyes opened wide again. “It was a love letter?”

A slight blush appeared on his tanned skin. She could see the beginning of the smile on his full lips. “Yes.”

She understood why he sent a letter instead of calling or sending some form of electronic message. It was never a good idea for their kind to be public about their feelings for each other. It could be used against them by demons. Demons were more likely to use one hunter against the other as leverage to escape or further their kills. Hiding feelings was recommended.

“I didn’t know you felt that way.”

“I know. I was always good at hiding feelings from everyone. Even myself. When I realized what I felt for you, it was a surprise.”

She nodded and stared at the pit for a moment. “What happens now?”

“You figure out how you feel about me. If you reciprocate, we can change our relationship. If you don’t, we continue being colleagues.”

“I thought we couldn’t.”

“We would have to be careful, but whatever you decide, I was planning on changing my role anyway.”

She gave him a look. “What do you mean?”

“The last time I was in a huge fight like this, one of them took a chunk out of my leg. It healed, but it healed funny. I don’t have the same strength as I used to. I’ve talk to the others. I can keep my abilities and train others. We’ve always tried to get more trainers, but it gets impossible.”

She was silent again and felt as if she had been silent for most of this conversation. Scarlett looked to the pit again and saw that the fires were dying down. “I don’t know how I feel about you. I’m almost mad that you’re going to be training people, though. In the beginning, I had no one. I figured out a lot of it on my own.”

“As did most of us and what does that do? Kills us off quicker.” He smiled at Scarlett. “Take your time with thoughts about you and me. I can wait.”

She smiled back. She liked his smile. Always had. It was caring and lovely. Scarlett looked away and sighed. “What do we do now?”

“We do what we always do. Wait for the fires to die out and then go grab a bite to eat.”

She laughed. “Is it really that simple?”

“It can be. We have a lifetime, Scarlett. Many lifetimes. I can wait.”

Scarlett smiled again. “Ok.”

He leaned in and gave her a soft lingering peck on the cheek. “Ok.”

His voice was soft and warm against her ear. When he pulled away, he almost didn’t stop looking into her eyes. Eventually, he looked away, toward the pit. Nothing was moving, but the fires hadn’t died out yet. If there was still smoke, a demon could resurrect. Once the fires were done, then all were dead. It sometimes took days for the fires to go out. While they waited for the fires to die, they didn’t have to eat, but at the end, they would need a lot of food.

“There’s a new place in the St’thruo district on Galant Nine. Has the best dishes I’ve ever tasted. Shall we go there after?”

Scarlett nodded. “Sounds good. I can report this lot to Central on the way there.”

“Good.” He smiled at her one more time and turned his attention back to the pit. Scarlett stared at Lincoln for a while, wondering what she felt for him. After a few minutes, she looked back to the pit. She didn’t know, but she had time to find out.

Natalia is a rather confident woman who knows what she can do. But failures do happen.

From Inside the Grey House:

He held out his hand to her and she took it. He led her to his study. Once inside he leaned against the desk, bringing her close. He enfolded her in his arms and kissed her ever so lightly on the lips. His soft touch surprised her, and she pulled her head away. The look on his face bothered her and she pulled completely away. He allowed it but caught her hand and held it.

She gave him a pleading look. “Vincent, I don’t feel like doing this tonight.”

“And why not?”

She gave him a heartbroken look. “I failed you.”

He gave her a confused look. “You nearly sacrificed yourself to the Slayer to make sure that he wasn’t able to use a deadly sword on our men and you think you failed?”

Natalia missed the significance of his words and shook her head. “The notes I studied pointed to this ambush and I missed it. Had I figured out the Slayer’s plans earlier, we could have stopped this before it started.”

“To what end?”

“Jesse’s dead.”

Vincent nodded once, slowly. “And that is my cross to bear. I don’t blame you for his death. You stated for me to keep everyone away; I didn’t listen. My fault: not yours. Despite his death, I wouldn’t change this night. We showed Edwin and his men what you are capable of and Edwin did not have a chance to declare himself Captain. We were also able to capture some Slayers and take a powerful weapon away from our enemies. This night was not a failure, Natalia. It was a win. Enjoy it.”

Fight scenes with vampires, or other immortal creatures are fun. Anything can happen.

From Inside the Grey House:

Ben walked away, to be replaced by Joseph. He spoke quietly, just to her. “The next time you break a vampire’s neck in this house, they’ll be healing the wound with your blood.”

Her eyes grew wide at the realization of what she’d done. Her voice was too low for anyone but Joseph to hear. “Yes, sir. Forgive me, sir.”

Joseph accepted her apology with a bow as the others started to crowd her. Charlie was laughing, collecting his winnings. He always bet on her, despite her low winning average. Joseph spoke again, but louder this time for all to hear.