Non Fiction – Page 3

Cancer Gene Test

I recently wrote about how male breast cancer actually exists. During my rant, I mentioned that I was advised to get a gene test that could show if I had the mutation for breast cancer. I said the test was inconclusive and that I would discuss it another time.

Well, here we are.

First and foremost, this is not to convince someone not to get the testing. This is my own personal mind warring with itself on the best course of action. It has to do with me and me alone. That is my disclaimer.

A gene test exists that may be able to tell me if I have the marker for breast cancer. Here are my problems with it:

It’s inconclusive. My mom had one done and her test results say that it’s negative. But it’s not negative as in she doesn’t have the marker and won’t get breast cancer. She was diagnosed in 2001, and is currently in remission.

The negative means one of two things. 1) she doesn’t have the marker or 2) she has the marker but the test wasn’t able to detect it.

Yeah…

There’s more.

If I were to get the test done and it came back negative, there is a chance I will get breast cancer and there is a chance I won’t get breast cancer.

If the test is positive, there is a chance I will get breast cancer and there is a chance I won’t get breast cancer.

Really?

My mom had the test done in 2011. Not that long ago. Yes, I’m sure there have been advances in the technology, but there’s a website that states they still can’t find all the mutations. And the thing is, I have no idea what I would do if I received a positive test result.

A positive test result for some women means double mastectomy. Some women believe that to be the course of action. Each woman given the positive test result should consult with her doctor, and with herself, on what the best course of action is for her. I am not here to say one thing is better than the other. It is 100% up to what each woman feels is right for her.

I am undecided.

I feel as if I’m too young to have a mastectomy if I’m at a high risk. I also really don’t have the money to get decent breast augmentation if I had to get a double mastectomy. And yes, I would probably get augmentation as I like my breasts.

I don’t like ‘maybe’ as an answer when it comes to my health.

Cancer is scary and not knowing is scary, but in the case of the gene test, even with results, I still might not have a definite answer. I don’t like maybes when it comes to my health. My biggest worry is that I’ll get the test, get a negative and still be as uninformed as before. Seriously, that’s not acceptable.

I was diagnosed in 2006 with MS because I wouldn’t take “Oh, everything is fine” as an answer. What am I supposed to do with a test result that says, “We don’t know”?

In the case of a gene cancer test a negative is a ‘we don’t know’ and that’s where I am right now.

Does the test make things any better or easier to understand or decide? It doesn’t. And I don’t accept that. Therefore, for the moment, I’m probably not going to get the screening done.

As I said, if you decide to, that is your decision. I am not here to discourage you from doing what you think is best. It’s your health, do what you feel is best for you.

Incidentally, I had a mammogram today and it came back normal. So there’s that.

Breast Cancer in Men

A male friend of mine recently posted to Facebook that he had to get a mammogram.

Let me say that again: a MALE friend had a mammogram. They found a lump. The doctor said it was probably just fatty tissue. He’s fine, it was fatty tissue. When he posted about the results though, another guy questioned why a man would get a mammogram. The second guy didn’t know that men could get breast cancer. Here’s the deal: Yes, both men and women get breast cancer.

Due to my friend’s friend lack of knowledge on the subject, I figured it might be a good idea to write a little more, and get some people educated. There are a ton of sources out there for finding out about male breast cancer, but as this hits close to home, I want to rant/inform a bit.

First, a little more about why this hits close to home.

My family history with Breast Cancer (who’s had it):

Mother’s mother died from it.

Mother’s sister (two of them) diagnosed with it. One died of it; the other had a mastectomy. I believe she’s cancer free now.

Mother diagnosed in 2001. Cancer free since then.

Mother’s brother diagnosed but now cancer free.

That’s not counting all the other cancers that have hit my mom’s family. It’s so prevalent in my mom’s family that I’ve been told it’s in my best interest to get a DNA test to find out if I carry the gene. I haven’t gotten one done yet as the test is sort of inconclusive. More on that another time.

So, breast cancer in men. How often does it occur? 1 in 1000 men get breast cancer. That is far fewer men than women, but it does happen. The American Cancer Society predicts that 2,600 new case of invasive breast cancer in men will be diagnosed and about 440 men will die of breast cancer in 2016. That information, and a lot of other good information can be found here.

I looked up the numbers for women, and it is staggering in comparison, but that is not why we are here. We are here to inform our fathers, brothers and other male people in our lives that yes, it does happen to you, too.

Look, here’s what it comes down to: if you feel a lump in your breast, or if your partner finds a lump in your breast, DO NOT take it lightly, even if you’re a man. Have a doctor tell you there’s nothing to worry about, and have a mammogram confirm that there’s nothing to worry about, if the doctor suggests it. The alternative SUCKS. Cancer’s a bitch. Early detection is key. Find it early and doctors have an easier time treating it.

Being a man doesn’t mean you can’t get breast cancer. Being a man doesn’t mean ignoring the lump. Being a man means understanding that you are human and that some of the same things that affect women can affect you.

Don’t be stupid. If you find a lump, have a doctor check you out.

I feel that this was more of a rant than an informative rant, so please do yourself a favor, check out the American Cancer Society, Breast Cancer in Men, page for more information. I liked it earlier for the statistics, but this is the home page for Male Breast Cancer. Check it out, read it and keep yourself safe. And, as a final note, I am getting my own mammogram on April 19, because I know I need to make sure I’m ok.

Don’t run from politicians

A Canadian island is accepting Americans if Trump become president of the United States. If you haven’t read it, here’s one article. It was funny at first, but I really don’t think it is, any more.

I remember when President Obama was elected the first and second time, a lot of people were threatening to leave the USA. I think the same thing happened when President Bush (the second) was elected, as well.

It was funny for a while, but now, it’s annoying me. We’re acting as if it’s a cute idea to run away from our government. What we should be doing is fighting for what we believe in and making sure the people that will fight for us are in office. That means if you don’t go out and vote, then you shouldn’t feel you have the right to leave, just because you’re not happy.

If you’re not happy, stay and fix the problem. Running to another country isn’t the answer to our political system. Maybe running for office is. Start locally. Get involved. Find out what it looks like from the inside. Fix things.

If that’s not your cup of tea, then be sure to vote. Pester our friends to vote as well. Especially if they believe in the same candidate you want to vote for!

Revolution starts small. But it can’t start at all if the smart ones just ship.

Feminism is not about following women blindly

Earlier today, I heard that Gloria Steinem and Madeleine Albright said some pretty awful things about women who were voting for Bernie Sanders, or as they seemed to think, against Hillary Clinton. Gloria Steinem has since retracted her statement, but Madeline Alright, as far as I can tell, has not. Therefore, here are my thoughts on what the first woman Secretary of State said about other women, in a letter.

Dear Madeline Albright,

I heard your speech about how young woman should be voting for Hilary Clinton and not Bernie Sanders because Hilary is a woman. That “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help each other!”

I think this is wrong. What you are saying is that we should vote for someone just because they are the right gender. But what about the issues? What about equality? For me, voting for Hillary Clinton does not mean voting for equality.

As thinking individuals, we must take the time to look at the candidates and vote for the person we feel is best for us and for our Nation. Voting for Hillary Clinton just because she is a woman is does not advance women.

If you take gender, race, and party affiliation out of the political equation, you leave what really matters: You leave the bills the politicians voted for and the people they fight for. Those two things are far more important to me than mere gender. In order for the United States to move forward as a country, we must put aside gender and race and look at the issues our future president will fight for.

This means, for me and many, many women and men, young and old, that come Election Day we will be voting for Bernie Sanders, as he fits our ideals better. He has fought for what we believe in for many years.

You are an inspiration to many women, Madeline Albright, but please do not confuse our preference of Bernie Sanders as being against a woman. Our preference of Bernie Sanders has to do with what you have advocated: We thought for ourselves, looked at the issues and decided based on intelligence, not gender. Isn’t equality about ignoring gender and finding the best person for the job?

Thank You,

Cat Stark

“No” should be enough

A coworker of mine has a tattoo (one of many) on her arm, indicating she is part of “Straight Edge Culture”.

If you’re interested Wikipedia says: “Straight edge (sometimes abbreviated sXe) is a subculture of hardcore punk whose adherents refrain from using alcohol, tobacco and other recreational drugs, in a reaction to the excesses of punk subculture.” Check out more here.

She took a pledge to never do drugs or alcohol. I applaud her decision, but it bothered me. Why take a pledge? Why not just live your life as you want, without the actual pledge? I didn’t ask her, as it really isn’t any of my business, but also because I didn’t want her to take it wrong. I’m all for people leading the life they want, as long as they don’t hurt anyone else. But it didn’t seem necessary to take a pledge.

Then I remembered something that happened to me a while back. My late husband and some friends were filming in downtown Rockford, IL. It was a bright sunny day and I joined them after they finished. Jason warned me that one of the women was a bit of a drinker and that she would probably ask me to have a drink.

I didn’t have a problem with this. I don’t drink much, and know how to say no and stick with no. Peer pressure is never an issue. If I seem to change my mind, it’s because I was on the fence to begin with. I wasn’t concerned about someone trying to pressure me into drinking.

So I went to hang out and as soon as the particular girl could, she started to drink straight from the bottle. She shared with everyone, and when it came to me she asked if I wanted a drink. I said ‘no’. To me, that was the end of it. For her, it wasn’t. She kept asking and asking, even though I gave a firm ‘no’ each time. Finally, Jason told her I didn’t drink and she stopped.

Though I appreciate that he stopped her, I didn’t think an explanation was necessary. And it shouldn’t have been. “No” should be enough. Neither I, nor anyone else, should have to explain why we don’t want to drink or do drugs. “No” means no, but in today’s society, we have learned that if we push, then we may get a different answer.

It goes from the benign, “Gum?” “No, thanks.” “Oh come on, you want gum! Everyone likes gum!”

To the malignant, “Sex?” “No. Thanks.” “Oh come one! You want sex! Everyone likes sex!”

We live in a culture that denies the answer ‘no’ or at the very least demands an explanation. If someone says ‘no’ we should learn to say ‘ok!’ and move on. There is no reason to push someone to do something they don’t want to do, even if it is as benign as asking someone if they want some gum. No means no. Stop it.

My conclusion on the pledge: society demands an answer other than ‘no’.

We want an explanation. The pledge is the explanation. I believe an explanation shouldn’t be necessary.

“No” should be enough.

Widowhood is confusing

Hi. My name is Cat Stark and I’m a widow. But if you know me, or have read my blog, you know this already. What you may not know is that I love another man now, and it hurts to say that. It hurts because it feels like a betrayal. I know it isn’t. Jason is gone and though I loved him so very much, loving Paul does not make me love Jason any less. It does not invalidate what I feel for Jason, but it does confuse things very much in my heart and in my head.

There are times I think I shouldn’t be with anyone, but that would be foolish. As I have written (at least to myself) before, I have too much love to give and I am not going to live out the rest of my life alone just because I loved another who has passed on.

It is ok to love someone else. It is ok to love two people. It hurts and it is confusing, but god damn it, isn’t most of life that way?

If you are a widow or widower, please don’t be afraid to love another. It does happen. We are not meant to share our lives with only one person. If that were true, we wouldn’t have friends or family, we would live in a vacuum. Reach out. Love and be loved. It may hurt like hell, and your emotions my make you think you are going through hell, but if you have found another after your loved one dies, that is not hell, that is living, and that is love.

I love two men. Jason ssg, my late husband, who I was with for 19 years 2 months. And Paul, who I have been dating almost a year. And that is ok.

June 26, 2015 United States is on the Right Side of History

I’m sure there will be a ton of blogs out there today, both for and against the Supreme Court’s ruling stating that homosexuals are allowed to marry. I am one of the many people that believe – nay – that KNOW this is the right ruling. Marriage is not a privilege for the few; it is a right of all. There have been tears in my eyes all morning because of this ruling. I am joyful for my friends who can now legally share their lives with the person they love. I am so proud that the United Sates of America has now ruled that everyone has the right to be married.

One of the reasons I am happy is due to a sad situation that happened on May 19, 2013. That’s the day my husband of 19 years died.

When Jason died, because I was his wife, even though we didn’t have the same last name, the morticians that came to retrieve this body didn’t bother asking me for identification. I didn’t have to prove I was his wife, or that I had a right to make decisions on the care of his remains. I didn’t have any hassle in how to help him along his last journey and no one looked at me oddly for calling him my husband.

There are fewer things worse than losing a spouse. I would have to imagine that loosing a person you consider your spouse, but who is not seen as a legal spouse in the eyes of the law, would be a much harder battle.

Imagine loosing your spouse and having: no rights in hospitals, especially if the family hates you or does not accept you, or does not know about you. No rights in how their remains are taken care of. No rights in being at the funeral (again if the family doesn’t acknowledge you). No rights to how their belongings are taken care of. No rights (possibly) in the lives of the children. (I’ve read stories.) Those are not gone now, they still exist if a couple is not legally married or common law married, but they are sure as heck getting closer to being gone. If homosexuals can be married, their lives will not be easier, because there are still awful people out there, but in the eyes of the law, they now have a lot more rights. And that is an amazing thing.

Selective Service and Equality

It’s hard for me to write this because I never really like stirring the pot on public sites. You’re never sure what people are going to say, but maybe this will help people think a bit more about equality. Also, this has been stewing in my brain for the past 22 years. It’s time to release it.

When I was 18, one of my teachers has us register to vote. For the boys turning 18, she reminded them to fill out the Selective Service information. Before signing my voter card, I paused and wondered why I didn’t have to sign up for selective service like the guys did. It bothered me, but I was less confident and less of a rebel at the time. I let the thought pass, and signed my voter registration card.

If I was turning 18 now, with my confidence and my rebellious nature turned up pretty high, I would demand to sign up for selective service and hope to get someone who argued with me, and end up making a huge freaking deal out of it.

Why?

Only men have to sign up for selective service.

Why?

Because women are still not seen as equals.

I believe that one of the ways to show that women are equal to men is to also require that we sign up for the draft when we turn 18. It may be an empty victory, as the United States hasn’t used the draft in a very long time and probably will not in the near future, but still. If we are to be seen as equals, make it mandatory for women to sign up for selective service when we turn 18. Or remove the draft all together. Either way, make it the same for both.

Addendum (5-2-15): And I do realize that women are able to join, if they wish. That’s not the point. If the USA were to break out into grand scale warfare, and we needed the draft again, women would have the freedom to join; men would be forced to join and would be jailed if they refused. That is not equality. That is gender inequality. Make it equal, one way or the other.

December 31, 2014

2013 was a year of sorrow and heartache.

2014, my heart grew and healed a bit. Something completely unexpected happened between a long time friend and I and I still have trouble believing it’s real sometimes.

I published, I mourned, I loved. I keep learning more and more about myself and I hope that never stops.

Dreams for 2015? I’ll figure that out as I go.

Goals: finish my 20th novel. Maybe publish a second one. Maybe try harder to sell my first, or rather, try to advertise it better. Though The Elven Prince is doing fine on its own, I really need to advertise better. Get people to remember it’s there. That will help me learn how to do better with other books as well. If I’m ever going to make money off my own writing, I need to learn how to sell my books.

I turn 40 this year. Trying not to freak out about that. I’m doing something for myself that I never thought I would do. I’ll probably write about it at some point, but for now, I’ll leave it as a mystery.

I may add to this again, or I might leave it alone. It’s not a resolution. Years ago, I made a New Year’s Resolution never to make another resolution again. It’s the only one that stuck.

This is more of a ‘hello’ and perhaps a reminder to myself and others that just because the calendar is changing, it doesn’t mean we have to. We can change anytime we want. Anytime we choose. So choose to do it when you’re comfortable with it, not when society tells you to. Have fun, be safe, and always create.

Life at the moment

The most difficult part about being a widow who is dating someone new, is that all the experiences I have with my new man seems to be something I did with Jason, something Jason and I would not have done, or something I learned because of Jason. And no, I don’t mean the dirty fun stuff, just everyday life things.

It messes with my head. And my heart, too.

The new man in my life is patient and understanding. He is willing to help me through whatever I’m feeling and is wonderful enough not to be bothered when I mention Jason’s name or tell him about the memories I have. They knew each other; I think that helps a lot.

I have a hard time understanding why I’ve been lucky enough to find not one good man, but two good men, who are willing to help me along my path in life.

It’s not easy being a widow – heck, it’s not easy being alive – but with the right people around me, I feel like anything is possible.

Addendum 11/3/2014

You live with someone long enough, and you become used to their face. That’s probably obvious. What might not be obvious is that when I started dating my new guy, I sometimes felt like I was looking at the wrong face…

I thought I would have to let Jason go in order to feel right with my new guy. Last night, I realized that it’s not about letting Jason go, it’s about letting my heart grow. Which I prefer.