catstark

Dear Brides and Grooms,

Ah, wedding season! The time to look beautiful, eat too much, drink too much, see lots of people you haven’t seen in years and cry in happiness.

Unless you’re a widow. Then there’s only crying in sheer pain. For me, at least. Since Jason died I have been invited to 4 weddings. A fifth friend tied the knot, but I was not invited, which I was rather grateful for. It’s tough for me to watch a happy couple without bursting into tears for my loss. In time, I’m sure that the tears of sadness will turn into tears of joy-ish, as I have a good man by my side and he is helping my heart heal, one stitch at a time. For the moment, simply looking at a wedding website raises my anxiety.

The year that Jason died, I attended a wedding in August of two very close friends of ours. Jason passed in May, but I wanted badly to see their wedding, mostly to represent him. I was surrounded by people who knew what was going on and who helped me through the day. The wedding was beautiful. Everything went well, and I cried tears of sadness because my husband was no longer on this plain of existence.

The next year, I was invited to two weddings. I said yes to the first one, because I figured there would be people there that would be able to help me out, if I needed it. It slowly occurred to me as the wedding grew closer that I had no desire to try and attend. I was going to cry through the entire thing. I didn’t want to do that, especially since I didn’t know the bride. I ended up telling the groom I wasn’t able to attend and gave my apologies.

The second invitation came after the first and I had already figured out by then that I was not ready to attempt weddings. I RSVP’d in an email with a long letter to the bride’s family, saying why I couldn’t. I expressed my pain, and in retrospect I’m not sure that was really fair to do. They were planning a happy occasion. Who am I to remind them that sadness awaits at the end? I never received a reply to the email, but I should not have expected one. She had a good wedding and that’s the only thing that matters.

Fast forward to the next year. A friend from work was getting hitched and I kept talking to mutual friends. I told one of my past anxiety with weddings and invitations and then didn’t end up getting one. I don’t know if I was supposed to get an invitation or not, but I felt nothing but relief when I did not. A weight was lifted from my heart and mind. I could face the wedding through pictures and didn’t have to deal with whether or not I was ready to attend. Again, wonderful people getting married; no desire to cry uncontrollably and ruin it for other guests.

And I feel I would be ruining the wedding for other guests. Here’s why: They have no idea why I am sobbing. And it’s not pretty quiet tears that stream down my face. It’s gut wrenching sobs that tear through my body and make me double over. No, that’s not hyperbole. That’s what happens. I don’t want to pass on that sadness at a joyous occasion.

This year, I have received an invitation from a friend, and the lightheartedness of the invitation made me consider going. I saw they had a website sometime after getting the “Save the Date” card and decided to check it out. As I was looking around the site, my anxiety kicked in and I felt the tears. I immediately clicked out of the site and thought, “Nope.” I couldn’t even look at the website without tears surfacing.

It’s been three years, almost to the day, since Jason died and I still feel an overwhelming panic-like attack when I think of other people getting married. It’s a joyous time; people around them should be smiling and crying tears of happiness, not sadness.

Therefore, please keep in mind, if you are getting married soon, and you deiced to send me an invitation, I will probably not attend. I will say now, “Thank you for thinking of me” but I most probably will not attend. And as I don’t want to make anyone feel awkward, this blog will serve as the reason why. I don’t want to tell each friend individually, while they are in the final stages of wedding planning, why I can’t attend. There is too much going on, and it just isn’t fair to them.

I love all my friends and want them to be happy. But weddings make me panic/have bad anxiety, and no one needs to have that at their wedding. Be happy on your wedding day. Love is precious and on the day of your wedding, you should feel only love.

Congratulations to anyone I know planning a wedding. I hope to be able to share in your happiness at some point.

Love you all,

Cat

-Widow not planning on attending weddings

Yoseph Vladimir: Cat (Part 2)

Story the Second

Yoseph Vladimir.
Hunter; predator
watches as the prey
waddles into his line of vision.
The fat animal is low to the ground
and runs quickly,
but is not paying attention.

It’s hungry,
and upwind.
Yoseph knows he has a chance,
if he’s careful.

He hunkers down
closer to the ground.
Eyes wide, tail twitching,
he nearly chirps his eagerness.

Yoseph moves closer,
slowly inching his way to the prey.
The animal’s sleek brown fur
glistens in the bright day.
He can smell it from here.
It smells like dinner.

Yoseph is not hungry.
His human keeps him well fed,
even with six other felines in the house.
But it is a joy to catch his own food.
It keeps him fit
keeps his senses alert.
Unlike his siblings,
who lounge around all day
accepting caresses.
He likes caresses, too
but loves being outside
especially right now
when the prey is unaware.

Yoseph moves ever closer,
his ears flat against his head.
Close enough, he pounces!
The prey tries to run,
But Yoseph’s claws are deep in its skin.
He bites the prey’s neck,
holds on tight as it tries to break free.
Yoseph, no novice to fights,
holds on as tight as he can.
The prey will be his.

Soon,
the prey slows.
Soon,
the prey stops.
Soon,
the prey is dead.
Yoseph looks at his snack.

This odd creature
with short limbs and long claws
was no match,
even at twice Yoseph’s size.

Feeling proud,
he starts to eat the creature.
A small evening snack.
Before finishing,
he eats away at the neck,
separating the head
from the rest of the body.

Carefully,
he takes his prize home.
Proud of his abilities,
he sets the head on the step.
Rather than leaving it
for the human to find.

Yoseph waits;
his head held high,
his tail curled around him,
front feet placed perfectly
in front of him.

Yoseph Vladimir: Cat
stands proudly by his kill,
waiting for his human to see.

Yoseph Vladimir: Cat

Story the First

Yoseph Vladimir,
Joey to his humans,
stalks the underbrush
listening for prey.

He pauses, listens,
and moves on.
He sniffs the air,
moves one paw forward,
stops again.
Patience, thy name is cat.

Finally, prey makes a mistake,
shows itself to the tireless feline.
Yoseph launches himself at the mouse,
catches it on the first try.
He kills is quickly, eats most of it,
but leaves the head intact.

Careful of his prize,
he picks up the head
takes it to where his human will see.
He places it carefully
next to three other animal heads.
Yoseph steps back, admires his latest kill,
and cocks his head.

As if understanding order,
he picks up the latest kill
and places it close to the end of the line.
He picks up the other heads,
arranges them carefully,
and steps back to admire his work.

A satisfied grin shows on his lips.
A happy purr emanates from his throat
as he heads off for another prize.
The presents are not yet right.
It needs one more.

Prize captured,
he heads home and places it
on the step,
in the right order.
Making sure each head
is in perfect alignment,
and that the one before
is larger than the one
after.

His human will be so proud.

Cancer Gene Test

I recently wrote about how male breast cancer actually exists. During my rant, I mentioned that I was advised to get a gene test that could show if I had the mutation for breast cancer. I said the test was inconclusive and that I would discuss it another time.

Well, here we are.

First and foremost, this is not to convince someone not to get the testing. This is my own personal mind warring with itself on the best course of action. It has to do with me and me alone. That is my disclaimer.

A gene test exists that may be able to tell me if I have the marker for breast cancer. Here are my problems with it:

It’s inconclusive. My mom had one done and her test results say that it’s negative. But it’s not negative as in she doesn’t have the marker and won’t get breast cancer. She was diagnosed in 2001, and is currently in remission.

The negative means one of two things. 1) she doesn’t have the marker or 2) she has the marker but the test wasn’t able to detect it.

Yeah…

There’s more.

If I were to get the test done and it came back negative, there is a chance I will get breast cancer and there is a chance I won’t get breast cancer.

If the test is positive, there is a chance I will get breast cancer and there is a chance I won’t get breast cancer.

Really?

My mom had the test done in 2011. Not that long ago. Yes, I’m sure there have been advances in the technology, but there’s a website that states they still can’t find all the mutations. And the thing is, I have no idea what I would do if I received a positive test result.

A positive test result for some women means double mastectomy. Some women believe that to be the course of action. Each woman given the positive test result should consult with her doctor, and with herself, on what the best course of action is for her. I am not here to say one thing is better than the other. It is 100% up to what each woman feels is right for her.

I am undecided.

I feel as if I’m too young to have a mastectomy if I’m at a high risk. I also really don’t have the money to get decent breast augmentation if I had to get a double mastectomy. And yes, I would probably get augmentation as I like my breasts.

I don’t like ‘maybe’ as an answer when it comes to my health.

Cancer is scary and not knowing is scary, but in the case of the gene test, even with results, I still might not have a definite answer. I don’t like maybes when it comes to my health. My biggest worry is that I’ll get the test, get a negative and still be as uninformed as before. Seriously, that’s not acceptable.

I was diagnosed in 2006 with MS because I wouldn’t take “Oh, everything is fine” as an answer. What am I supposed to do with a test result that says, “We don’t know”?

In the case of a gene cancer test a negative is a ‘we don’t know’ and that’s where I am right now.

Does the test make things any better or easier to understand or decide? It doesn’t. And I don’t accept that. Therefore, for the moment, I’m probably not going to get the screening done.

As I said, if you decide to, that is your decision. I am not here to discourage you from doing what you think is best. It’s your health, do what you feel is best for you.

Incidentally, I had a mammogram today and it came back normal. So there’s that.

Breast Cancer in Men

A male friend of mine recently posted to Facebook that he had to get a mammogram.

Let me say that again: a MALE friend had a mammogram. They found a lump. The doctor said it was probably just fatty tissue. He’s fine, it was fatty tissue. When he posted about the results though, another guy questioned why a man would get a mammogram. The second guy didn’t know that men could get breast cancer. Here’s the deal: Yes, both men and women get breast cancer.

Due to my friend’s friend lack of knowledge on the subject, I figured it might be a good idea to write a little more, and get some people educated. There are a ton of sources out there for finding out about male breast cancer, but as this hits close to home, I want to rant/inform a bit.

First, a little more about why this hits close to home.

My family history with Breast Cancer (who’s had it):

Mother’s mother died from it.

Mother’s sister (two of them) diagnosed with it. One died of it; the other had a mastectomy. I believe she’s cancer free now.

Mother diagnosed in 2001. Cancer free since then.

Mother’s brother diagnosed but now cancer free.

That’s not counting all the other cancers that have hit my mom’s family. It’s so prevalent in my mom’s family that I’ve been told it’s in my best interest to get a DNA test to find out if I carry the gene. I haven’t gotten one done yet as the test is sort of inconclusive. More on that another time.

So, breast cancer in men. How often does it occur? 1 in 1000 men get breast cancer. That is far fewer men than women, but it does happen. The American Cancer Society predicts that 2,600 new case of invasive breast cancer in men will be diagnosed and about 440 men will die of breast cancer in 2016. That information, and a lot of other good information can be found here.

I looked up the numbers for women, and it is staggering in comparison, but that is not why we are here. We are here to inform our fathers, brothers and other male people in our lives that yes, it does happen to you, too.

Look, here’s what it comes down to: if you feel a lump in your breast, or if your partner finds a lump in your breast, DO NOT take it lightly, even if you’re a man. Have a doctor tell you there’s nothing to worry about, and have a mammogram confirm that there’s nothing to worry about, if the doctor suggests it. The alternative SUCKS. Cancer’s a bitch. Early detection is key. Find it early and doctors have an easier time treating it.

Being a man doesn’t mean you can’t get breast cancer. Being a man doesn’t mean ignoring the lump. Being a man means understanding that you are human and that some of the same things that affect women can affect you.

Don’t be stupid. If you find a lump, have a doctor check you out.

I feel that this was more of a rant than an informative rant, so please do yourself a favor, check out the American Cancer Society, Breast Cancer in Men, page for more information. I liked it earlier for the statistics, but this is the home page for Male Breast Cancer. Check it out, read it and keep yourself safe. And, as a final note, I am getting my own mammogram on April 19, because I know I need to make sure I’m ok.

Eloran the 2nd

I am happy to announce I finally know what The Elven Prince 2 is about. I have beginning, middle and end in my head. I don’t know all that will happen, but I know what kingdom kidnaps Garett. I know how it happens and I know why no one stops it. I now have to go about placing the thoughts onto paper. Or, you know, word doc. The world is open to me again and I am diving in head first.

For those of you who don’t write, this doesn’t mean the book will be done any time soon. I am still battling writer’s block but I know what the world looks like. It is a familiar place and is awaiting my attention. I am debating on whether or not to do the same thing with Eloran the 2nd (working title only) as I did with The Elven Prince. With the Elven Prince, I decided to write from beginning to end and not work on anything else until I was done. It took me under 60 days to finish writing it. I don’t remember how long any more exactly and don’t want to look it up. At any rate, I finished it in one fell swoop.

Part of me wants to do the same with this one, but part of me understands my heart might not be in it. Either way, the door to the world is open and I have stepped through. Chapter one is complete and I am in the midst of writing chapter two. I just wanted to take a moment to tell my friends and fans.

And yes, I am still working on Enter the Maze: Shorts, Poems and Thoughts; and I am working on editing my next project, which I may or may not have announced. Since I’m not sure, I will leave that one alone and bid you all a good night.

Don’t run from politicians

A Canadian island is accepting Americans if Trump become president of the United States. If you haven’t read it, here’s one article. It was funny at first, but I really don’t think it is, any more.

I remember when President Obama was elected the first and second time, a lot of people were threatening to leave the USA. I think the same thing happened when President Bush (the second) was elected, as well.

It was funny for a while, but now, it’s annoying me. We’re acting as if it’s a cute idea to run away from our government. What we should be doing is fighting for what we believe in and making sure the people that will fight for us are in office. That means if you don’t go out and vote, then you shouldn’t feel you have the right to leave, just because you’re not happy.

If you’re not happy, stay and fix the problem. Running to another country isn’t the answer to our political system. Maybe running for office is. Start locally. Get involved. Find out what it looks like from the inside. Fix things.

If that’s not your cup of tea, then be sure to vote. Pester our friends to vote as well. Especially if they believe in the same candidate you want to vote for!

Revolution starts small. But it can’t start at all if the smart ones just ship.

Feminism is not about following women blindly

Earlier today, I heard that Gloria Steinem and Madeleine Albright said some pretty awful things about women who were voting for Bernie Sanders, or as they seemed to think, against Hillary Clinton. Gloria Steinem has since retracted her statement, but Madeline Alright, as far as I can tell, has not. Therefore, here are my thoughts on what the first woman Secretary of State said about other women, in a letter.

Dear Madeline Albright,

I heard your speech about how young woman should be voting for Hilary Clinton and not Bernie Sanders because Hilary is a woman. That “There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help each other!”

I think this is wrong. What you are saying is that we should vote for someone just because they are the right gender. But what about the issues? What about equality? For me, voting for Hillary Clinton does not mean voting for equality.

As thinking individuals, we must take the time to look at the candidates and vote for the person we feel is best for us and for our Nation. Voting for Hillary Clinton just because she is a woman is does not advance women.

If you take gender, race, and party affiliation out of the political equation, you leave what really matters: You leave the bills the politicians voted for and the people they fight for. Those two things are far more important to me than mere gender. In order for the United States to move forward as a country, we must put aside gender and race and look at the issues our future president will fight for.

This means, for me and many, many women and men, young and old, that come Election Day we will be voting for Bernie Sanders, as he fits our ideals better. He has fought for what we believe in for many years.

You are an inspiration to many women, Madeline Albright, but please do not confuse our preference of Bernie Sanders as being against a woman. Our preference of Bernie Sanders has to do with what you have advocated: We thought for ourselves, looked at the issues and decided based on intelligence, not gender. Isn’t equality about ignoring gender and finding the best person for the job?

Thank You,

Cat Stark

Charlie

I just wrote a two page “short” on the death of a character from a book I have not yet published. I’m working on a sequel to said book/trilogy, and saw Charlie’s death. I realized I had to write it, though it may never end up in a book.

It takes place many years after the end of the sequel, and I haven’t seen the years between the death and the end of the book. But it had to be written. Natalia and Charlie needed that.

I’m trying to decide if I want to publish it here.

Maybe someday, but not today. I think it needs to stew some more. I think Charlie and Natalia need the time to themselves, to remember their time together and to mourn with those around them.
This isn’t the first time I’ve killed off a main character, but this is the first time that I’ve written the death of a character in such a fashion: meaning not as a part of a book. I liked taking the glimpse of that part of their lives and mourning with Natalia.

Charlie is old. He’s lived a long life, has a few kids and a few grandkids. His wife is still around and he’s dying in his home, in his bed. It could have ended differently. It could have been in battle, but it wasn’t. I wrote of him dying in the trilogy, protecting Natalia while she is still human, and didn’t like it. I wanted him to be around. And he is.

Charlie is one of my favorite characters in The Grey House. He’s not an easy person, being a werewolf, but he makes his life worth living and his death is not easy for those around him. He is kind, protective and he is very human, for an unpredictable werewolf. He has an easy grin and loves his wife and children, and he loves Natalia. And in the end, I think everyone loves him too, including Vincent Grey who gives Charlie nothing but hell for loving Natalia.

Enter the Maze – Origins

Enter the Maze is still being edited/read through. It’s a long process, and I am thankful to the women who are helping me out. I wanted to give you something to tease you and hopefully continue your interest for the book.

In the introduction for this book, I included how I was inspired to write them and what the story is about. There are a few stories and poems included in the book that were inspired by specific people, and in one case an animal. I’ve decided to let you know what those stories are and who inspired, them, but not why. For the why, you’ll have to wait for the book and purchase it when it comes out. Can’t give away all my secrets. 😉

Here are the works and their inspirations:

Beautiful world – Michael McMahan
Riding the Maze – Neil Gaiman (Yep, the awesome writer)
Petocalypse – Hazel (One of my cats)
Follow the Lights – Krista Jean
Naked Chocolate Torte – Daniel, from Chocolat by Daniel
A Snowflake for Mia – Irene and McKenna

Thanks for your interest and I’ll keep you informed on when the book is available on Amazon. Happy reading!